lot of problems that fester in us stems from the contradictions that reside in us. The theory behind such behaviour was first outlined by Leon Festinger, who termed it as cognitive dissonance, in his book When Prophecy Fails. This theory is a very powerful tool and has very wide applications in understanding a lot of human behaviour. Whether we are embarking on a shopping binge or stopping smoking, we are all playing out the dissonance theory, as I will explain.
The brilliant theory holds that we all usually work towards reducing the dissonance in us and we have two options: either by modifying our behaviour or by going into denial. In practical terms, if I am a smoker and I am all too aware that smoking causes cancer, then a dissonance — or disharmony — is created in my brain. So I will try to reconcile the dissonance. And if I can, I will modify my behaviour and quit smoking. If I cannot, I will play down the risk factor by telling myself that cancer strikes only those who smoke heavily and I am nowhere near that limit! The bottom line is that we all try to work out our guilt in either of these two options.
The theory of cognitive dissonance is undoubtedly a powerful analytical tool to understand human behaviour. And I have a simpler theory to explain our problems in addressing our deficiencies. In my years in dealing with people and situations, I have discovered that in most cases the dissonance is caused by a mind-heart conflict. Our heart tells us one thing but our mind analyses the situation in a diametrically opposite manner. There can be a million examples and situations in this tug-of-war; in our office or at home, whether it is in dealing with our children, spouses, siblings, bosses or subordinates.
For example, many times you may be torn between giving your spendthrift son extra pocketmoney or telling him that he has crossed his limits. Or you may be undecided in signing that seemingly lucrative contract, as you feel the party seems shifty. Or you may want to alert your husband to his fits of anger but you fear his wrath in holding the mirror to him. All such issues start festering in us and work up a sore which hurts us increasingly as time passes by.
What should we do in such circumstances? In my opinion, I believe that you have to be yourself and follow your heart. Do not force yourself to do things for the sake of it being politically correct or being socially acceptable. Do whatever you want to for the sake of your own belief and keeping in mind your comfort level.
You know your husband or your son more than anyone else. So only you can exercise the correct option. And, if that option, unfortunately, will not work out, you can always accept the result more graciously as you followed your heart; not somebody else’s opinion...