Revenge, dish best served on TV

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Kya aap dating ke liye desperate hain? Kya aap gorgeous aur happening hain, dates par bhi jate hain, but kisi-ne aapko bahut badly dump kar diya hai? Don’t worry. The good people at Channel V have devoted one-one programme to each of these problems.

Samasya 1: Single, but where to mingle?
Just call Dare 2 Date’s sexually-confused fixer, Andy, and he will immediately fix you up with someone who is
a) way out of your league and is certain to reject you;
b) is so beneath your league that you are certain to reject them;
c) is clearly homosexual but has no clue; or
d) is a border-line psychopath. Andy did so recently — for a sweet gharelu Gujarati girl he found a randy Punjabi munda. You couldn’t mismatch better if you wanted to. This poor girl liked the reluctant boy and organised a surprise date for him which involved him twirling in a short frock with other twirling men in short frocks. Gharelu girl was pleased with her dream date and kept saying “it’s my plezere...” Only Randy puttar told both her and Andy in the end, “I’m just not into you”.

Samasya 2: Have been dumped. Would like to torture ex.
Just go psst-psst in Axe Your Ex anchor Namit Das’ ear and he will happily set up situations where all of your ex’s nightmares come true.
Like this one boy Satkaran who dumped girlfriend and started dating dumped girlfriend’s younger sister who, incidentally, was dating him only to take behen ka badla.
So Satkaran is in his gym’s sauna room when Fake Homo arrives, pushes naked thigh towards Satkaran and says, “Mere ko nail polish lagado, please?” Satkaran begins to sweat profusely. Fake Homo then takes out a lollipop and guides it towards Satkaran’s mouth. Satkaran battles lollipop. Fake Homo then takes out a soap and says, “Will you rub this on by back?” Satkaran now screaming and battling both, lollipop and menacing bar of soap. Fake Homo then fishes out a condom, upon seeing which Satkaran’s feet acquire springs and he jumps out of the sauna room screaming.
Next, little devious sister drags Satkaran to a nursing home where fake patient attached to a fake susu bag requests Satkaran to allow him to place his susu bag on Satkaran’s thigh. Satkaran gawks. So fake susu bag patient says “susu aya hai”, and as his bag begins to fill up, sharp squirts of yellow liquid land on Satkaran’s face. Hai! Kya catharsis tha!