‘Can’t change one’s destiny’

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I was very innocent and naïve when I joined the film industry. I was born in Dharwad in Karnataka and was always keen on becoming an actress. Then I got selected in a contest — that’s how I got my first film.
I never had a sense of humour as I had a very strict upbringing. I was brought up in a sheltered environment. My

father was an Army officer and always roamed around with a revolver. I was very scared of him. When I told him I wanted to act, he was very upset and for the first time in his life, he hit me. Later, he deeply regretted his action.
We had heard so many stories about the film industry and believed that girls from good families never acted in films, but he finally relented. However, the industry welcomed me with open arms
After acting in a few movies, I got engaged to Siddharth Bandodkar. Once when we had gone for a holiday we saw Kishore Kumar with his third wife, Yogita Bali. Siddharth was a great fan of Kishoreji and wanted to meet him.
I refused to introduce them and told Siddharth that I was scared of Kishore Kumar. He laughed and asked me if I was planning to marry Kishore Kumar. I promptly said, “Never.” It is indeed true that you must never say never as you never know what destiny has in store for you. I ended up marrying Kishore Kumar.
I lost my husband Siddharth soon after we got married and was very depressed. I was hardly 22 and had great trouble coping with it. I used to talk to Siddharth in my loneliness. I felt him telling me that he would always be there for me and I should move on with my life. Those were the darkest days of my life.
Kishoreji wanted to do a film with me. He had written three scripts for me and he kept meeting me on the pretext of narrating the script and chat with me for hours. One fine day, he proposed to me.
I refused immediately but he didn’t say a word and said he wanted to narrate a script. I refused to meet him. But finally, I signed his film Pyaar Ajnabee and my friendship with Kishoreji deepened.
I realised he was a genuine human being. I had heard stories of his eccentricities but they were false. There was a gap of 21 years between us, plus, he was married thrice, but gradually I fell in love with him. I realised that I would be happy with him. Unfortunately, I spent just nine years with him from 1979 to 1987, but they were the most treasured moments of my life.
When I told my parents about my decision to marry him, they were very angry. They had heard stories about him and were concerned. When I called up Kishoreji, the first thing he asked me was whether my parents had consented. I said they hadn’t and had instead left for Dharwad. He was delighted and said, “Well, now I am free to marry you.” Then he said, “Let’s go to Dharwad and take your parents’ permission.”
I was sure my parents would never agree. But when we reached Dharwad, my mother and brother greeted him with so much warmth. He later asked for a mat and a harmonium. He sat down to sing songs to please my father but my father did not relent. His last song was Nafrat karne walon ke seene mein pyaar bhar do. My father came around and hugged him and said, “Your voice has touched my heart and I am sure you will keep my daughter happy.”
Meanwhile, I had to take Amit Kumar’s permission to marry his father. Amit was just a few years older to me. I told him I needed a companion and that I found this companionship in his father. We didn’t get along well in the beginning. But now, he has become a pillar of strength. Our relationship is very chaste and pure. I know after Kishoreji’s death people commented on our relationship but Amit was very considerate.
My brother Anil was everything and more that I could ask for in a brother. He was a brilliant student and sacrificed a lot for me. Unfortunately, life proved a tough experience for him. He supported me through my bad times but when he was going through a rough patch emotionally, he never let me know. He killed himself in May ’85. He was just 38. Once again, I went into depression but this time Kishoreji was there with me. But nobody can fill the void Anil had left in me.
When Kishoreji was sitting in my house in Dharwad sipping tea he saw a picture of Siddharth and me. At night, my mother took it away to her room. She told him since we were getting married, she thought it better to keep away the picture. So he asked my mother, “Can you remove him from your heart? Let him remain where he is.” That was Kishore Kumar.
Whenever I had a nightmare about him dying early, he said, “Even if I die early, I will always remain in people’s hearts.” The day he died was like a nightmare that never ended. My tears have dried up, but when I look back I remember his words.
He does indeed live in the hearts of so many people. I have seen a lot of ups and downs in life, but I worship him because he was so full of life and he taught me to laugh.

As told to Shama Bhagat