PC bores as kachchas win the day

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It’s that time of the year again when Colors people take a gaggle of boys and girls to an exotic location and make them perform several fear-defying, poop-releasing stunts. Only this time around there’s a gender reversal — 13 Khatron Ke Khiladi are hulky-bulky men and their ringleader is the sweet‘n’sexy Priyanka Chopra.

They were all flown to Rio de Janeiro where Chopraji instantly sucked the soul out of the show by giving the most boring introduction in the history of television. There were strange vibes on the set. The boys seemed to resent her a bit — probably miffed that Chopraji, who had used body-doubles in the show’s promos, was going to throw physical challenges at them and then judge them. And Chopraji in turn seemed all nervy and withdrawn, completely out of her depth.

But Chopraji is a good actress, so I’m sure she will make-do. There will be some laughs, some flirtations, and Chopraji will skip around in minis, blowing her golden whistle. But, she will remain an unmemorable anchor. Not a patch on He Who Used To Arrive With a Leopard on Leash.

It is Day-2 and two khiladis have already been waved Ta-Ta bye-bye — was-once-a-model Milind Soman and little Sardar actor boy, Manjot. The 11 remaining contestants are: motor-mouth anchor Cyrus Broacha who, it must be said, is doing rather well; Abhishek Kapoor, the director of Rock On, who is still a stranger but seems interesting; Rahul Dev, who is not half as tough as he poses; Angad the Bedi who is beri-beri boring; delicate darling Terence Lewis; one brawny TV actor Karan Singh Grover; very serious actor Rahul Bose who, it is now confirmed, is C.H.I.C.K.E.N.; one cutie Formula 2 racer Armaan Ebrahim; Bipasha’s ex, Dino Morea; television ka Prem Chopra, Shabbir Ahluwalia; and, finally, squash player Ritwik Bhattacharya, the show’s dark horse. We will all fall in love with Ritwik by the time the show gets over.
The boys have been paired with random very aam chicks — Ritisha, Madhurima, Kavita, Susheel, vagehra.

The show’s first stunt began in water that was 6 degrees Celsius: Boys had to swim in freezing water, under hot-hot oil-spill aag and release five weights hooked underneath. Milind Soman, national-level swimmer and all that, got into V-shaped pink panties, talked of adrenaline rush and then, in a blink, jumped out screaming, “brrrr... thanda, thanda”. Shabbir wore long kachchas, an awesome attitude and released two weights. Rahul Dev, in sexy black panties, scored zero. Rahul Bose, who gave a seminal speech on brains and brawn before going in, scored two. His kachcha was medium. The best was Ritwik. He went in, released some, gasped, gave up, returned again and released all. He’s a star. Long kachcha again.

So, are you getting my drift? Yes, yes, about chotti kachchi ka abhishaap, aur lambe kachche ka vardaan.
Anyway, on day-two Chopraji arrived in shorts and an ugly fringe to announce stunt No. 2 which involved puckered lips, many creepy-crawly things, a keeda-bowl and a mish-mash of bodily fluids. Mr Bose, whose eyes had grown to the size of dinner plates just looking at those crawlies, quickly delivered a motivational lecture to his partner Annie and convinced her to deal with the creepy-crawlies instead.

This was followed by another underwater stunt which certain male contestants — the ones who had been looking at their allegedly gorgeous partners and making retching gestures — tried to use to drown their partners. But, as Chopraji said, “Jako rakhe saiyaaa...”