Gujarat: Land of telly tales

[1]

A still from Chhanchhan—Asian Age

I don’t believe in fasting-shasting. But starting tomorrow I am going to keep Jai Santoshi Ma’s vrat till Ma gives me darshan and some answers. I have pledged that I am going to go to the temple every evening and ghanti baja-baja ke I’m going to ask, “Khush toh bahut hogi tum ke hot 'n’ happening Shivji ko finally abandon kar ke main aapke paas aayi hoon? So, Ma, meri pyari Ambe, Jagdambe Ma, stop smiling and tell me ki kyu aaj-kal mein jahan dekhti hoon, mujhe Gujarati hi Gujarati nazar aate hain?”

Hamare desh mein different-different, strange-strange cultures, sartorial traditions hain, region-specific regressive paramparas hain, har class and caste ke apne-apne special-special bigoted vichar hain. Hain na? Then why, Ma, why are our television people after the poor Gujaratis?
They gave us best-se-best businessmen. And unhon-ne hamein bhujia di, Gandhiji, Godra and Gurberg diya, aur country ka best chief minister bhi.
Sirf chief minister nahin hain Modiji. Woh toh chamatkari hain. Every morning, Modiji har ministry mein prakat hote hain, and each and every file khud clear karte hain. Astra-shastra uthaye bina hi woh state ka every little se little programme-pogram supervise kar sakte hain.
But, Ma, I have not come to you bhuki-pyaasi to discuss politics. I have come to seek Gujaratiyon ke liye insaf.
First Ektaji’s many tortures, then Saath Nibhana Sathiya (Star), and now Chhanchhan (Sony). This new show is named after its heroine, who is named after the sound her payal would make when she was a child. (Ma, an aside. Agar boy paida hota toh kya yeh log fart sound pe uska nam rakhte? Phusphus? Phatphat? Poooon?)
Anyway, this Chhanchhan is all grown up and in true Priya Tendulkar “Rajni” style, takes out morchas and launches into bhashans every time she spies some wrongdoing. Till now the fount of all wrongdoing is one stern home-maker, Uma-ben.
Played by one of the most underrated actresses of our time, Supriya Pathak, Uma-ben is being shown as one large evil woman. Ok, so she bribes a pandit, is pro-dahej and, to protect her honour and izzat, extracts revenge. But Ma, kya yeh Gujarat specific problems hai? Nahin na?
The serial will proceed as all such serials do — Uma-ben will do mean things, and Chhanchhan will humiliate her. But since Chhanchhan’s doggie, Mogambo, has already bitten off a piece of Uma-ben’s son’s buttocks, Cupidji will soon be ticking both their young-young behinds.
This will first make Uma-ben want to slit her wrists. But being a true evil telly lady, she will realise that she will have more power over Chhanchhan if she becomes her saas. Which she will, and then Uma-ben will make Chhanchhan’s life hell, and Chhanchhan will try to kill Uma-ben with her pravachan. And so this will go on, with more evil people joining the ranks, the husband eventually becoming insignificant, till saas and bahu become so obsessed with each other that you wish they had just married each other.
But then, sawal uthenge. Who will keep karva chauth for whom? And who will bring a glass of milk for whom on suhag raat?
Gujarat has given us many questions. Will it finally give us some answers?