We want our own octopus oracle

Okay. I have the answer to all your problems. We can deal with everything from terrorism to fiscal deficit if only we make a small lifestyle change. All we need is an octopus.
Octopus Paul in Oberhausen, Germany, has picked Spain as the winner of the World Cup. His 100 per cent success rate in predicting winners for all six matches till now h

as almost landed him in hot water — with salt and seasoning on the side — especially after he foresaw, correctly, the defeat of his home country in the semi-finals. Devastated at their defeat, enraged German football fans are rearing to eat the messenger.
But Spain, the winners of the semi-finals as predicted by Paul, have rushed to his defence. “I am concerned for the octopus”, said Prime Minister Zapatero, “I am thinking of sending him a protective team!” The protective spirit may evaporate, of course, after Paul’s forecast for the final game, where Spain takes on the Netherlands for the World Cup, goes wrong.
Like most oracles worth their salt, er… worth their name, Paul too has a unique style of functioning. The Octopus Orakel is offered mussels in two boxes marked with the flags of the competing teams, and the team whose box he chooses to eat from wins the match. It’s a perfectly respectable mode of telling the future — some pick cards, some pick pages from ancient documents, some pick yummy mussels.
I propose that we have our own Octopus Oracle to help us navigate these difficult times. A little peek into the future can’t hurt. Besides, we are experts at it — we have been doing it for centuries. But since we failed to train the future generations in this scintillating science — university courses in Vedic Astrology were so rudely shelved, in spite of the valiant efforts of the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) a few years ago — we need the next best alternative. We need an Ashtabhuj Baba — the Eight-armed Seer.
At moments of uncertainty, we need oracles. And right now we are busy bobbing up and down in a whirlpool of insecurity. Food prices are spiralling out of reach. Everyday expenses have shot up dramatically. Cross-border terrorism keeps us in a permanent state of alarm. Naxalites wage their self-styled war against the state. Various extremist groups keep the Northeast on the boil. Separatists are reasserting themselves in Kashmir. Telangana is back with a vengeance. We face sectarian violence, caste violence, violence from our own kin for believing in our constitutional rights and freedoms. Beleaguered by corruption, bad governance, a labyrinthine justice system, inept administrators and wily politicians, we are dearly in need of a saviour. We need Ashtabhuj Baba.
Who will instantly be appropriated by every political party, no doubt. The BJP will tell us how they have always been worshipping the octopus, a divine creature venerated in the Vedas, and an important architect of the Ram Setu. It will also demand that the octopus be immediately declared a sacred species and banned from being eaten. Restaurants offering octopus will be vandalised, their owners lynched, their customers beaten up and molested. Neighbourhood ashtabhuj-shaalaas will spring up, presenting elaborate water-tanks choking with decaying flowers where baby octopuses are smothered in turmeric and vermilion. And meetings will start with a sombre “Om Ashtabhujaya Namah!”
Naturally, the Congress will smirk at all this. And tell us that the BJP’s sudden interest in the octopus is a dangerous ploy to polarise the nation on sectarian lines. We will learn how the Gandhi family has always been particularly fond of the octopus — no, of course not at the dinner table, what a thought! We will be told how Rahul Gandhi’s favourite song is the Beatles’ number Octopus’ Garden. There will be a demand to make the octopus our National Mollusk.
Meanwhile Mayawati will build huge octopus statues, with some firmly clasping handbags in a few curly arms. J. Jayalalithaa will offer an octopus cape to Sonia Gandhi the next time the Karunanidhi clan fights with itself. Lalu Prasad Yadav will claim, only half in jest, that the Yadavs have an inherent understanding of the octopus because of its closeness to cows — and quote poetry to prove it. Mamata Banerjee will call a Bengal bandh to highlight the plight of the octopus under the Communist Party of India (Marxist) state government, and start a special train — named Ati Duranta — to register her support for the express wiggler.
Fuming at the stupidity of the other political parties, the Left parties will cut off all ties with their remaining allies, and implore the people of India to see through the eight limbed creature. They will quote from Mao and Marx to prove that the octopus is a vile American design to destroy India. They will demand that we rise in rage and crush the wicked arm of US imperialism — all eight of them.
The Eight-armed Seer will dominate our lives and politics. In fact, soon we may see baby octopuses contesting elections — if the squirmy baba-log are related to the Ashtabhuj Baba they are fit to govern us, of course. And I have no doubt that they will make brilliant politicians.
For one, an octopus has no spine — it can mould itself any which way. Then, it is a master of camouflage. It can rapidly change colour, even its skin-texture, to fit its surroundings. Besides, it has excellent eyesight and a shrewd brain. Many believe the octopus has nine brains, because each of its arms genuinely has a mind of its own. It would be a great help in a system where one arm doesn’t know what another is doing. When in a tight spot, the octopus can squeeze itself into any loophole and escape. And most importantly, it specialises in spraying ink to cloud your vision. Yes, the octopus would make an excellent Indian politician.
So I am rooting for Ashtabhuj Baba. I need some security in my life. I am tired of our netas, our failed governance, our inescapable uncertainty. I’d like to be/ under the sea/ in an octopus’ garden. Wouldn’t you?

Antara Dev Sen is editor of The Little Magazine. She can be contacted at sen@littlemag.com [2]