10 things to hate

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Football, at the best of times, can inspire a pressure cooker of extreme emotions, ranging from indelible adoration to incandescent rage. It can make you hug and scream in throes of passion yet make you splutter and spew mulch-layered bile. These are the ten things we hate about you, football.

1. Gloryhunters: The gleam of trophies and the overpowering aroma of success seduces these ‘fans’, while their opinions and views on football hold as much weight as Paris Hilton’s on poverty in Africa.

2. Sugar Daddies: The oily, smelly tumour in global football’s flesh. Clubs, hypnotised by roubles and dirhams, stare goggle-eyed at a promised future and shiny new recruits as a silver spoon is rammed down their throats, consuming their insides bit by bit.

3. Playacting: So you work hard for years, sculpt a perfect body, learn the skills of the game and make it to the top tier of football. Then, at the merest of touches, you go down in a crumpled heap with a bloodcurdling scream, hands raised in agony, body returning to its fetal origins. Poor dear.

4. Ronaldo vs Messi debates: Both players are supremely gifted and a once in a generation sort. So instead of sitting back and enjoying their feats, what would be more logical? Ah yes; futile, tedious comparisons.

5. John Terry: Even if John Terry adopted Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity as his own and appeared on the Time cover garbed in a pearly white sari with a puppy dog licking his face, his name would make it to football hate-lists worldwide for a being a racist, cheating, detestable thug.

6. Commentators: Try this one. Put the volume off on the match you’re watching, give your brain some exercise and then try and speak to someone who’s watched the same match with commentary and punditry. Chances are, you’ll punch him in the face because you can’t do that to Steve McMahon, Carlton Palmer or the other idiots paid to blubber on international TV.

7. Racism: Lazio was fined £32,500, Slovakia £18,000, Porto £16,700, Croatia £10,000 and a host of other federations were given meagre fines for monkey chants and racist abuse from their supporters. Nicklas Bendtner was fined £80,000 for exposing the top of his underwear. Shame on you Nicklas.

8. Stoke City: Imagine a team with huge lumps up front, four centre-backs at the back, and dirty brutes in midfield. Imagine only ever scoring from set pieces, time wasting at every opportunity, and being managed by a baseball cap wearing loon. Imagine Stoke.

9. International friendlies: Saudi vs Spain? Qatar vs Italy? Pointless?

10. Twitter: While anyone on it is by default a Grade A dullard with cheese posing as neurons, footballers tend to be the worst of even that lot.