‘People told me to attend Page 3 parties’

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I was told that your silence is often considered your weakness. Of course it took me years to realise that. After making a successful debut with Tere Mere Sapne, things were looking up for me and I believed good work would come my way. That phase, however, was short-lived.

Yes, I disappeared from the scene in early 2000. I wasn’t doing any films and in this industry, out of sight is out mind.
It was during that period that I read stories in the media about me slipping into depression and other weird stories related to my health. I was certainly having a bad work phase but it didn’t drive me into a state of depression or anything so dark, as was being made out in the papers. But I chose to not retaliate or fight back. I had, however, injured my shoulder and fixing it was my prime concern. Such injuries also take time to be treated and healed, and one has no choice but to wait it out. Trying to speed things up could have had a counter effect on the shoulder, so as frustrating as it was for me, I just had to wait. Some big films that I had signed were canned due to the recession and some never really took off. I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. I was disheartened that my career was sinking. An injured shoulder was one thing but even wrong career moves contributed to my slump. I was doing big films like Dil Kya Kare and Kya Kehna but I wasn’t the protagonist in them. I was being slotted in second and third lead roles, clearly a pattern that didn’t help boost my career.
Today I see that actors make money by doing ad films and being brand ambassadors for prestigious brands. But at the time that I started off in Bollywood, things were different. I was getting films that I wanted to do, but pursuing your passion can sometimes affect you financially as well. The industry was more commerce than art then and I’m an ardent believer in the latter. With time and some poor choices of films, the attitude of people and the media towards me changed. At one point I felt lonely because of the drastic change in my life and career. But today, when I look back I feel that it made me wiser and practical. A lean phase is the best teacher. It teaches you survival, maturity and helps you differentiate between fair-weather friends and genuine ones.
I received a lot of advice from people within the industry saying that in order to remain in public memory I should be seen in parties and that it is important to be on page 3. In my mind, I knew I wasn’t cut out for such stuff. I wasn’t looking for that kind of sustenance. I was an actor who was committed to his craft and I couldn’t quite get myself to simply make appearances so that people remember me. I knew I was good at my job but there was no way to prove that.
Making a comeback was another issue. It took a lot of time to recover from my shoulder injury and a lot had changed in the interim. There was a newer lot of actors like Ranbir Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor who were and still are doing a fabulous job. So, the big question was where do I see myself in that newer lot of actors?
To make matters worse, I was accused of being bitter about my fellow colleagues getting a chance to re-establish themselves. People insinuated that I wasn’t too happy with Arshad Warsi’s comeback.
I didn’t want to clarify or defend myself. Arshad is a friend. We made our debut together and because of him I’m doing one more film. He did his bit to bail me out of the mess. So how then can I grudge his success?
I must add here that most people from the industry who were dying to work with me in my good phase, disappeared. Honestly, I never chased producers or lobbied for roles. But the change in attitude was quite noticeable. I realised that either I get affected by them or hold my head up and start afresh. My brothers are known names in the television industry. I was advised to look for an alternative career on television. But I wasn’t convinced. I don’t look down upon the medium but TV was an option I had even before Tere Mere Sapne. But I never gave in to the temptation at the onset of my career. My aim was to be a film actor. My opportunities dwindled for a bit but I still feel there is hope.
I’ve been married for 13 years. My wife has been with me through thick and thin. She has seen me when I was at the top and she has seen me when I was nowhere. Difficult times do play havoc on your state of mind and personal relationships. Honestly, the rise and fall did take a toll on us but I’d like to give her the credit for handling me well. In my bitter-sweet journey, I have realised the importance of staying connected with your loved ones. That’s the only thing that keeps you afloat.
Lately I feel a lot of positivity around me. Maybe things will change for the better. I’ve just started working again. It feels very reassuring as an actor to be back in the studios. But I still don’t have it in me to walk up to a filmmaker to ask for work. I’ve always got work on merit.
In the best of times and the worst of times my self-respect has been intact. It has been misconstrued as attitude and arrogance but it’s really my need to remain silent and protect my self-respect. I’m a strong believer in destiny and despite having a long lean patch, I am back where I belong in a way that I am proud of.