Have an attitude of surrender

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A few weeks ago I happened to talk to a friend who had lost her spouse a year back. I got to know much later but thought that regardless of the delay it was important that I called to offer my condolences. She was inconsolable and wept at the loss of a very devoted husband, loving father and a wonderful human being.

We tried to converse in between sobs. Grief is a complex emotion and although most people eventually find their own coping mechanisms given time, I could see that she was still in the throes of a trauma. I did my best to comfort her but felt I needed to do more to help her heal. While one wouldn’t be human if one didn’t go through the numerous stages of grief, our spiritual masters remind us that extreme sorrow prevents a departed soul from going ahead towards a higher plane and greater peace and freedom as the attachment keeps it earthbound.
Unless the will of God is viewed with an attitude of acceptance the loss of a loved one also leaves the immediate family feeling utterly helpless at the turn of events. Unanswered questions and a zillion ‘if only’s’ that raise their heads compound the pain and frustration. Mercifully our scriptures provide enough pointers to see things in perspective, cultivate an attitude of surrender and help us cope.
Speaking of surrender and using a rationale that even a child can understand, Sri Chinmoy says, “The Supreme is our father and our mother. If one member of the family goes to the father and mother the other members of the same family will never feel sad. When we totally surrender to the will of the Supreme, the surrender becomes an additional strength for the departing soul that is suffering here in bondage...”
That we all return to the creator is mentioned in the Koran as well: “It is He (Allah) who gives life and causes death and to Him you (all) shall return.”
Birth and death are like two ends of a spectrum with a life span sandwiched in between. However when caught up in their own pursuits and power trips people often forget how temporary life can be. The Bhagavad Gita drives home this point and more in this verse that says, “For certain is death for the born and certain is birth for the dead. Therefore over the inevitable/Thou shouldst not grieve.”
For many bereaved family members the timing and manner of death (too swift, too sudden, too early and too close to a major milestone) are hard to come to terms with. But though it may seem inscrutable, one must realise that God has his own reasons. The Bible reminds us that there is an appointed time for everything and holds out hope of a period when there will be joy and bliss. Consider these two excerpts:
“For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under Heaven, a time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant, a time to uproot, a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance.”
King Solomon Ecclesiastes 3
The promise of a period of everlasting happiness is reflected in the ensuing lines.
“And he shall wipe away every tear from their eyes and there shall no longer be any death, there shall no longer be any mourning or crying or pain the first things have passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
What hurts most when a person passes on is the fact that his or her physical presence is no longer with us and that we may never be able to hear the person or speak with him/her. What we need to remember is that there is a part of the person which is deathless and changeless. Paramahansa Yogananda tells us that: “Our real self, the soul, is immortal. We may sleep for a little while in that change called death but we can never be destroyed. We exist and that existence is eternal. The wave comes to the shore and then goes back to the sea, it is not lost. It becomes one with the ocean or returns again in the form of another wave. The body has come and it will vanish but the soul essence within it will never cease to exist. Nothing can terminate that eternal consciousness.”
Death opens our eyes to the need to live our days well given the impermanence and utter fragility of life. In self-improvement courses participants are often asked to write their own obituaries and mentally count the number of people who would attend their funerals if they were to die the next day! This is a good exercise for it helps one reflect on the way one has lived life and to take stock and assess if one has made a difference and touched the lives of people in a meaningful way.
Spiritual masters also assure us that we need not bemoan the fact that we cannot talk to our dear departed for communication is possible and the channels are all in place. As Sri Paramahansa Yogananda says, “To send your thoughts to loved ones who have passed on, sit quietly in your room and meditate upon God. When you feel his peace within you, concentrate deeply at the Christ centre, the centre of will at the point between the two eyebrows and broadcast your love to those dear ones who are gone. Visualise at the Christ centre the person you wish to contact. Send to that soul your vibrations of love, strength and courage. If you do this continuously, that soul will definitely receive your vibration and someday you will surely meet him or her again. You will know that this life is not the end but merely one link in the eternal chain of your relationship with your loved ones.”