Rules for marital bliss

[1]

Dr Venganoor Balakrishnan [1]

Ethical constraints on married couples, upheld by Indian sages of ancient times, aimed at maintaining healthy relationships in family and society.
These “do’s” and “don’ts” dictated by our age-old tradition have great practical value in the present day society as well.
The word “husband” is perceived by Westerners as one having a household. But Indian culture gives it wider meaning. Husband is the one who keeps the family. He takes care of his wife, children, parents, servants and other dependents. Manusmriti observes that even if the husband is insulted he should bear it with patience. Likewise, there are several injunctions which warn that a householder with wanton lust would go to hell. If one is lusty, even his good deeds would have no result.
Polygamy is also not an auspicious practice. Having a single wife is what our tradition permits and appreciates.
The scriptures forbid a householder from mating with virgin girls, widows, servants, animals etc. They warn that it can cause pain in the abdomen, diabetes and urinary diseases. Other taboos are illicit sexual relations with the wife of one’s Guru, “deliberate abortion” and mating during eclipse days.
In Devi Bhagavatam and Garuda Puranam there are descriptions of hells awaiting people who harass or torment women.
A husband is supposed to maintain the family. He should welcome newly-married women, teenagers, the sick and pregnant women to the household and entertain them. Only after having fed them should the other guests and servants find their turn. The head of the family eats last.
Mahanirvana Thanthram reveals the approach one has to take towards one’s wife.
“Na bharyaam thadayeth kwapi
Mathruvath palayeth sada
Na thyajeth ghora kashte pi
Yadi sadhwee pathivritha…”
According to this shloka, one’s wife is to be protected just as one’s mother is taken care of. Never harass her. Don’t get angry with her even when you are in difficulties. One who craves for another’s wife will fall into hell. Don’t boast before women. Give them money, ornaments and clothes and please them with nice words. One who can acquire the love of a committed and loyal wife can claim to be ethical.
Likewise, there are rules for wives too. Sankara Smriti states that women get salvation not by observing penance, but by nursing their husbands. The ninth canto of the Devi Bhagavatam says that a good wife is one who holds only one husband and attends on him with love, care and piety.
An ideal wife is described as:
“Kaaryeshu manthri karaneshu dasi
Roopeshu lakshmi kshamaya dharithri
Sneheshu matha sayaneshu vesya
Shadkarma nari kuladharma pathni”
“She should advise the husband like a minister and serve him. She should be graceful like Goddess Lakshmi and patient like Goddess Bhoomi. She should entertain her husband like a courtesan as well. Such a woman would be an ideal wife”.
The scriptures say that when the husband is alive, the wife should not observe penance or fast alone. It cuts short the husband’s longevity. Further, a wife should spend according to the income of her husband.
According to Devi Bhagavatam, a house where women have the upper hand is inauspicious. A woman prone to quarrel, one who resorts to stealing the husband’s money, one who always blames her husband and one who wanders from house to house is not ideal at all. All smritis warn that lusty women may fall into hell.

— Dr Venganoor Balakrishnan is the author
of Thaliyola, a book on Hindu beliefs and rituals.
He has also written books on the Vedas
and Upanishads. The author can be reached
at drvenganoor@yahoo.co.in [2]