It’s back to rona dhona

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Hamari Devrani

Hai! The shadyantras of demons, devars and devranis just don’t end. Jab ki you and I are still celebrating the aagaman of 2012, hamari sweet-sweet tele bahus have stepped into the new year weeping and wailing.
On Choti Bahu (Zee TV), hell is waiting to break loose on the Purohit family in the form of Vishwanath. He is prowling around pretending to be Chachaji, making pyari Radhika very nervous. Now you know na what the deal here is? Well, inside Vishwanath, i.e. inside Aman Verma, lurks a demon who gets very excited when it spots Radhika, who incidentally is Lord Krishna in drag. Then there is little Balram who always does bhaiyya Krishna’s bidding.
Vishwanath, Radhika and little Balram have super powers and can talk to each other by way of brain waves. Full three-way life threats and insults are exchanged telepathically while the rest of the family stands around discussing the lunch menu.
Vishwanath is supposed to be Shakkuni and that’s why he keeps rolling dice. His Duryodhana is one duffer Barkha who wants to wed and bed Radhika’s Dev.
I adore Krishna, but in his ladies’ getup he wears me down. The moment anything is said to Radhika, a full two-minute-long pravachan ensues, followed by a five-minute-long beatific smile. I smile, say sorry, and switch to Hamari Devrani (Star Plus). But yahan bhi there is chaos.
The chudail devranis of the Nanawati parivaar — Alpa, Jalpa, Parul and Manjula – are busy plotting against Mohan and Bahu to get more hissa of the jaydaat. Routine stuff in the great Indian joint family, but the unique baat here is that these four women have not evolved from apes, like you and me. They are the direct descendants of lady hippos — they can stand upright on their hind stumps and have hair and breasts, but their faces and girth haven’t changed one bit.
It’s funny to watch these large female hippos stomp about dressed in saris, bindi, sindoor, their hippo eyelashes curled and thick with mascara. But oooo, that gaudy lipstick on those fat hippo lips, that’s really scary.
My final destination was Sasural Simar Ka (Colors) where not a single day passes without Mataji shouting at Simar. The most recent calamity on this parivaar of mithaiwallas arrived with the morning newspaper which had Simar’s photograph in an ashleel halter dress.
No one knows that Simar’s devranis slyly sent this honeymoon photo to the newspaper, and that is why everybody is shouting at Simar for uchhaloing their izzat sare bazaar. Mataji toh was so angry that she was letting out ghane-ghane jets of smoke from her ears.
Despite the bawling, one good thing came of this syappa. Prem stood with wife Simar and tried to use this crisis to do some cute chonch-se-chonch action.
Chalo, I say, happy New Year hai ji.