Forty and footloose

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What’s common between Simon Cowell, Gerard Butler and Salman Khan? Well, apart from all of them being hunks, what links these men is the fact that they are all above 40 and refuse to stay committed to a relationship.

Fifty-one-year-old Simon Cowell might have shot to fame as the stern judge on American Idol and X-Factor, but he has been in the news for his romantic liaisons as well. Simon broke up with his fiancé recently and sent her to ‘girlfriend graveyard’.
Forty-one-year-old Gerard Butler was spotted cosying up to a mystery woman but claims that he’s very much single. And then, there is George Clooney! At 50, he still makes women go weak in their knees, but that doesn’t seem to be putting a brake on his string of relationships. He has called it quits with Italian model Elisabetta Canalis and is now dating former wrestler, Stacy Kiebler.
Closer home, Bollywood’s bad boy Salman Khan (45), may be back in business after Dabangg and Bodyguard, but as news of his surgery hit the headlines recently, the buzz about his link-ups with Bollywood’s leading ladies continue unabated — just like they did a decade ago.
Researchers studying behaviour and relationships have coined a new term — the ‘single over 40’ syndrome. According to experts, while age makes women more eager to settle down, it often works in the opposite way with men. Carl Weisman, author of the book So Why Have You Never Been Married: 10 Insights into Why he Hasn’t Wed, surveyed 1,533 single men aged 40 plus and discovered that these men are more afraid of getting hitched than their younger counterparts. Fear of not having enough money, divorce and choosing the wrong woman were among the top 10 reasons why they didn’t want to tie the knot.
Ad guru Prahlad Kakkar believes this doesn’t really apply to the Indian man because after a certain age, factors like family and society influence his decision. “By the time an Indian man is 27 years old, the elders in the family begin asking, ‘Beta shaadi kab karoge?’ and then the whole process of looking for a suitable match, being seen at the right functions etc. falls into place. The pressure of getting married and starting a family is part and parcel of the Indian way of life and it’s not going to disappear any time soon. These days of course, if they see anyone over 30 who is single, people begin to wonder if the person in question has had a troubled past, or is seeing someone now but doesn’t want to reveal it or is homosexual!”
Dr Savitri Nanavati, a behaviour expert who is authoring a paper on ‘Indians and the contemporary way of life’, says that men and women are more open about their choices these days and are able to resist societal pressures much better than they did a decade or two ago. “Earlier, there was a certain age demarcated for marriage — by the time a girl was 22 or 23, her parents would start looking for a suitable alliance and the same thing applied to a boy when he turned 27-28. This happens even today but youngsters now handle this pressure better and ask for more time before getting into a lifetime commitment,” she elaborates.
So does this mean that it is best to settle down young? Actor John Abraham says that work is the only thing on his mind. Every time the actor is asked about his personal life, all he says is, “I’m a very secure person and not threatened easily. My focus is on my movies and work right now, everything else can wait.”
Dancer/choreographer Sandip Soparkarr believes that people become more wary of commitment as they grow older. He explains, “According to me, late marriage is a reality for both men and women these days. People might think twice about getting into a relationship when they are older because they could have had a bitter experience in the past. Another reason for avoiding commitment is all the adjustments and sacrifices that one has to make in a relationship. Let’s admit it, it is easier when one is younger and sometimes you get to a point when you can’t be accommodating beyond a certain level.”
Actor Imran Khan has an interesting observation to make. He feels that sometimes a man in a committed relationship can actually be more attractive. “Yes, I know you find it weird. I do too, but this is something I’ve observed. I’ve seen that girls find something appealing about a guy who is in a relationship.”
The Delhi Belly actor has an interesting story to narrate. “When I was 15 and single, no girl would turn around and even give me a second glance. But when Avantika and I started dating, suddenly I noticed that women were showing a lot of interest in me. Where were they when I was single?” he laughs. On a more serious note, Imran adds, “Maybe it is the Indian upbringing — the family values that we have been brought up with — that make us want to have a family life and settle down. Fears and insecurities are always there but one just needs to know how to handle these maturely.”
Dr Savitri offers an explanation — it isn’t just fear of commitment that holds people back and, men and women approach this entire topic differently. She says that once people cross a certain age, they not only become sceptical about relationships, but also about the opposite sex. “Once a man or woman has crossed a certain age, say 45, they’re hesitant to get into a relationship. This is often due to incidents from the past that have clouded their minds and changed their opinions. Sometimes they’re just too rooted in their professional lives and fail to realise that there is a life beyond that. Women have a biological clock that’s constantly ticking and as they grow older, the sound of this gets louder. Women panic when they turn 40 and start making changes in their lives but for men, it is often just another number and some of them take ‘life after 40’ very seriously. It is possible that life does seem brighter after 40, but then, it is just a matter of perspective.”