Love... in spite of
Someone remarked that everyone wants to know the secret of a successful marriage but no one knows it. I believe that it is quite well known, but not so well practised. The secret to a successful marriage is “to discover new love and respect for each other and let it grow each day”.
Love “before marriage” is common but love “after marriage” is more important. Trust strengthens love. Unobstructed by doubt and mistrust, love matures and grows. Fed by renewed feelings of tenderness, care and concern, love is nourished and it blossoms. Love should never become stale and its expression gross, routine or mechanical. We respect others when we see what we value in them. Ever-increasing mutual love and respect are the secrets of a successful marriage.
Attachment pollutes the pure flow of love. You should understand the difference between the two. When you love someone, you want to make the other person happy. You serve selflessly and tirelessly and take joy in loving and giving. In attachment, you want to make yourself happy. Demands, expectations, possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity pollute love.
When you love each other “because of” something, then if that cause goes away, the love also vanishes. Real love is to love “in spite of” any external circumstances or differences. Changing situations cannot rock a stable marriage anchored on mutual love. The fleeting cannot sweep away the lasting bond of true love.
To make your marriage successful and joyful you must have an inspiring and lasting goal. For those whose immediate goal of having fun becomes their long-term and ultimate goal, their pleasures end in pressures — family, social, economic pressures, and also blood pressure! If marriage is only taken as a permit for licentious living or pleasure-seeking without family or social responsibility, it will not be a happy marriage nor will it last. When it is geared towards something inspiring and permanent, it will bring stability, peace, growth and happiness.
Marriage is an opportunity to serve others. Start with your spouse and extend this service to your immediate and extended family, friends and society. Think constantly about how you can contribute to the prosperity and wellbeing of others. The world gives us enough opportunities to serve. But you have to be willing and ready to serve. When service becomes your goal, your life and work become inspired and selfless and your mind becomes pure and peaceful. You will become less egoistic and selfish and your likes and dislikes will reduce. Such a pure mind will take you to greater heights of material and spiritual success.
Swami Tejomayananda, head of Chinmaya Mission Worldwide, is an orator, poet, singer, composer and storyteller. To find out more about Chinmaya Mission and Swamiji.
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