Sholay — the highest grosser of Indian cinema, with every character imm-ortalised and celebrated, might be set for a 3D release on Independence Day this year, but if the nightmare that woke me up a few nights ago had been true, the legengary film would have never been made.
A late night drink at a bar in mortal fear of the hockey-stick wielding ACP Vasant Dhoble combined with Jab tak hai jaan jaane jahaan main nachoongi playing in the background in the aforementioned bar might have caused the rather disparate elements coming together in the nightmare that I may never forget.

My nightmare was based on three key suppositions:
a) The Mumbai police has the power to raid film shoots and prosecute actors, directors and producers on the basis of their findings.
b) Sholay is shot in Mumbai.
c) Dhoble is an ACP with the social service branch in 1973.

Few distorted excerpts of the dream:
Director Ramesh Sippy says “action” and Dharmendra (Veeru) starts delivering his dialogue atop a water tank with a bottle of desi daru in hand after his marriage proposal is turned down by Hema Malini’s (Basanti’s) mausi. Dhoble who has been tipped off by his informant is with his team disguised as villagers and are part of the village crowd. “Gaon walo yeh jo Basanti hai na, Basanti, uske saath mera lagan hone wala tha. Magar uski mausi ne beech mein bhaanji maar di…..” Just as the entire dialogue is delivered, Dhoble and his men spring into action and arrest Dharmendra under the Bombay Police Act 110. Dhoble also secretly informs his friends in the excise department, as bechaara Veeru does not have a drinking permit. When an explanation is demanded, Dhoble rattles off the relevant section and says that he is just following the law.

Bombay Police Act 110: Behaving indecently in public. No person shall willfully and indecently expose his person in any street or public place or within sight of, and in such manner as to be seen from any street or public place, whether from within any house or building or not, or use indecent language or behave indecently or riotously, or in a disorderly manner in a street or place of public resort or in any office station or station house.
A dejected Sippy who was banking on the scene as one of the attractions in the film has now planned to introduce an item number to make up for the loss caused by the conscientious officer. Jalal Agha and Helen are summoned and R.D. Burman comes up with the raunchy hit number Mehbooba Mehbooba. But once again, the informer network of Shri Dhoble is active and on the fateful night when the song is being filmed, the star policeman reaches the location with a video camera and records the entire song video before booking Sippy and Agha under section 294 of the IPC and “rescuing” Helen who later spends over a month at a rescue home before being released. Naturally, a law-abiding teetotaler, Dhoble explains the section he has booked the trio under even without being asked for it.

Section 294. Indian Penal Code Obscene Acts and Songs: Whoever, to the annoyance of others —
(a) does any obscene act in any public place, or (b) sings, recites or utters any obscene song, ballad or words, in or near any public place.
Sippy is let out on bail. The resilient director, however, decides to bounce back. He ensures that the location of the shoot is a top-secret. Veeru is tied to a lamp post on a Sunday afternoon in a resort in Madh Island where Gabbar Singh’s men have managed to abduct Basanti. First she is to dance on scattered glass pieces on the ground and later please Gabbar and his men. Everything is set. The shoot is on in full swing. Just then, a waiter at the resort, who was once booked by Dhoble in his earlier job in an orchestra bar, calls him up. The waiter is a part-time informer. Once again, lady luck frowns upon Sippy and within no time, Amjad Khan and his men are arrested under the IT Act and Basanti is “rescued”. Veeru gets lucky this time and is made a witness.

Section 5 of Immoral Trafficking Act, 1956: Procuring, inducing or taking a person for the sake of prostitution.
Shooting is delayed by a few days as this time it takes Gabbar a while to get bail. Meanwhile, Sippy, who spends sleepless nights thinking about the financiers after the movie release, decides to introduce an extremely emotional scene in the climax. This time, he is not worried about Dhoble as the scene is fairly simple with no scope for controversy. Or so he thinks. There is only one single bridge to enter Ramgarh and Jai and Veeru are short of ammunition. Jai proposes a toss to decide who will stay back to fight it out with Gabbar’s men and who will go to the village to bring in more ammunition. Just as Jai tosses the coin, Dhoble handcuffs both Jai and Veeru under section 130-A of the Bombay Police Act.

130-A. Bombay Police Act — Gambling on a street: Whoever assembles with others or joins any assembly in a street for the purpose of gaming or wagering.
I woke up sweating profusely. My last memory was Sippy fainting on the sets and A.K. Hangal slowly walking into the set and asking the crowd, “Itna sannata kyun hai bhai?” Sannata — the silence that Dhoble and his mentors are aiming for.