If you attach two thundering thighs to a pathetic Hindi accent, will you get Sridevi? No, na? Similarly, if you attach middle-aged, pot-bellied stars to gyrating gori-gori extras you don’t always get a movie. Movies have to be written, directed, acted. A gaggle of imbeciles propped up by talking, farting hairy gorilla, or the above-mentioned bimbettes, without a story, reason or logic, can at best be called an accident.

And this particular accident is a messy crash, a head-on collision that director Anees Bazmee undertakes repeatedly, by ramming into everything: script, plot, dialogues, jokes, characters, common sense...
No Problem has many very serious problems. First, it doesn’t have a story. What it has is a hackneyed situation crammed with rancid jokes that wrinkled, creaky stars try to act out. The end result is a forlorn feeling followed by mourning for what these men and women were capable of once.
Second, the film has no characters. Instead it has patients suffering from acute brain and body disorders. And third, no actor seems convinced of Bazmee’s endeavour, so they all just go through the motions.
The film, set in South Africa, involves three groups: Group 1 comprises a thief Yash (Sanjay Dutt), and a blackmailer Raj (Akshaye Khanna). This weary duo is later joined by one of their victims, Zandulal (Paresh Rawal), in a manner so idiotic that I leave the telling to Mr Bazmee.
Group 2 includes Inspector Arjun (Anil Kapoor), a clueless coward, and his wife Kajal (Sushmita Sen) who is so distraught at having married an invertebrate that she goes raving mad every day for 10 minutes. Her episodes, as the movie progresses, increase to a couple of hours daily when she grinds her teeth and chases her husband with an axe, shovel, cutlery, vase, et cetera. Then there is Kajal’s father, the police commissioner, and her sister, Sanjana (Kangana Ranaut) who is delusional and questions strangers about how irresistible they find her.
Group 3 is the most interesting, though we spend the least amount of time with them. This is an assorted gang of goons led by Marcos (Suniel Shetty). He has four men and a moll: one asthmatic oldie, one man who passes electric current, one man who carries a video camera to all murder and looting venues, another one who weeps by the bodies he makes dead, and moll Sofia (Neetu Chandra) who shoots people in various stages of undress.
And now the situation: Group 3 loots precious diamonds. Group 1 steals them from Group 3. Group 3 then chases, catches and thrashes members of Group 1. But since Group 1 is made up of inept morons, Group 2 keeps getting involved, making a bigger mess of things. Since all this chasing and thrashing is getting nowhere, some gorillas and a battalion of Sikhs appear to sort out matters. At the end, one gorilla finds a mate, fish gobble up the diamonds, and America is pooh-poohed. If Anees Singh is King Bazmee calls this a story, then I too have one for him, about my toilet cleaning brush.
Yet, No Problem establishes one thing: That Durban, in South Africa, is now an Indian colony. Indian ministers, cops and gangsters control everything. Hindi is Durban’s official language, and ladoos their favourite sweet. That’s the power of Bollywood, if you please.