As I talk to you today, I sit here reflecting over what I have given up. It has been two to three months since I’ve retired from all forms of cricket. I chose to give up what I loved so passionately and the reality is that I’m never going to play for England or even Lancashire again. Does that bother me? Of course, it does. I’ll be lying if I said that I won’t miss cricket or I don’t want to play again. I desperately do. But you have to come to terms with some things.
I retired from Test cricket a year ago. I was expected to play in the one dayers, T20 for Lancashire and in the IPL for Chennai. But none of that happened. It was a difficult phase for me. With uncertainty looming over my head, I was not sure what to do. It wasn’t the only tough part of my career.
Injury has been the bitter truth of a fast bowler’s life. I have gone through as many as nine injuries and each one of them has been horrifying. You know you want to go out there and play, but you can’t. You wonder why it’s happening to you; sometimes you even feel silly about being careless. It’s a whole gamut of emotions and trust me, when it happens ever so often, you can’t help but get more and more frustrated.
Ever since I started playing competitively, I realised that if I didn’t take good care, the strain would take a toll on my body and it would give way some time soon. But each time I was sitting out with an injury, I would be itching to go out and play. Consequently, each time I made a comeback, I valued and cherished it even more. It’s that phase of not playing for your country that really pushes you to give it your all when you finally do.
The struggle wasn’t restricted to injuries alone. When I took on captaincy for England it wasn’t easy. I was the captain of a team heading for a 5-0 Ashes whitewash in the 2006-2007 series. You have to deal with criticism, especially when you are your harshest critic. In retrospect, it was all worth it. There have been some good memories of the Ashes too. In the 2005 series, we went down in the first game and than came back strong in the rest of the matches in the series. I was highest wicket-taker for England. That is something that gives me goose bumps till this date.
Now when I sit back and recall all the high and lows in my cricketing career, I have no regrets. Not even when I removed my T-shirt while celebrating our win over India at Wankhede Stadium in 2002. It was a closely fought match and I remember the final over being the best moment in my life. The victory was euphoric in front of a packed stadium and here I was celebrating in a funny manner, much to the chagrin of the locals. I really do not remember if someone imitated me at Lords (referring to Sourav Ganguly’s repayment five months later).
I had moved to Dubai a year ago for a couple of reasons. I had a knee surgery and the climate was good for training and healing. The facilities are second to none. The past six weeks have been strange. I have been in America doing a reality series. I am at a strange stage in my life where I am just dabbling with things. Now I can sit back and do things that cricket did not allow me to do. I made a lot of mistakes and have learnt from them. Today I am a stronger person.
In India, if you’re a cricketer, you have to be strong always. Indians expect the Indian team to do well all the time and that could be a daunting pressure. While pressure is a part of the game and we try to psyche the opposition on the field, there is no denying that there is a lot of admiration off it too.
Sachin Tendulkar is an amazing man and a successful player. To play for so long as he has and to score so many runs as he has is amazing. He is somebody I have come to respect.
After the terror attack in Mumbai (2008), we flew back. It was, however, decided that we would play in Chennai. England was in a great position. And we thought we are going to win the Test match. But Sachin had other ideas. I am never good with losing matches. I didn’t usually take failure quite well. However, at that instance, it was fitting that Sachin, who was from Mumbai, hit the winning runs. The best thing is after the game he thanked every one of the English players for coming back to India. Such moments remain with you always, and teach you so much more than the game itself.