Last week, my wife, who dabbles in some work in the Mandwa region outside Mumbai, was told that a gang of dacoits had come there to roost.

This put me in a huge moral dilemma. “Should I warn the dacoits or not?” After all it was highly unlikely that a group of underfed and ill-equipped dacoits exposed to the horrors of inclement weather and with very little investments kept away for later life would be able to deal with my high-strung, combative and highly combustible wife.
A couple of days later, research showed that the group was a gang of seven people. The heaviest of them, at 58 kilos, is a little lighter than my wife.
I quickly ran some background checks.
The leader was a chap called Chellaram. His age was put specifically at 32 to 40. His birth date was put as anytime in the first half of the year. His website, Chellaramneedsfollowers.com, made it abundantly clear that he disliked all forms of food, save fish. And those three years in Rajasthan, sans fish, made him extremely testy. Favourite colour was lilac pink, favourite animal seemed to be the hedgehog and he apparently likes his women large and quiet.
Also, if given a choice, he’ll take quite over-large.
Then he mentions his lieutenant, a one-eyed wonder called “Kallu”. At four-feet-11-inches, Kallu was the academic in the gang.
Having studied till third standard, he claimed to have a basic understanding of the first eight letters of the English alphabet. Unfortunately, that didn’t allow him to correctly spell his name “Kallu” although he flaunted the spelling of the name of his friend and third member of the gang “Chacha”.
Chacha is at least 64 years old as he claims to have fought in the Indo-China war of 1962, though he can’t tell for which side. Dacoit experts are very sceptical of his claims as he says he fought in Vapi region near modern-day Gujarat, an area where only two Chinese persons have been spotted in the last 500 years, and both were in the culinary business. Chacha also insists he’s had arms training. Cynics point out, by that he means he won two local chin-up competitions, ostensibly because no one spot-
ted that he was over aged.
A couple of brothers called Chotta and Bada do the chores that no one else will do in the gang. Chotta cooks and cleans, while Bada has the onerous task of massaging and scratching body parts of Chellaram, which individually itch at different parts of the day.
Driver is a new recruit whose job description is actually his name. Unfortunately, as none in the gang owns a licence, Chellaram refuses to buy a vehicle and wants nothing to do with Kallu’s claims of sores on the foot.
The seventh member is a dark and mysterious fellow called No. 6. He is not mentioned by any other name. Whether he joined as the sixth member of
the gang, or whether none of the members can actually count to seven is not extremely clear at this point of time.
Against this school of hard knocks is my wife. My wife has at different times chased away policemen, members of the BSF, three Rottweilers and a buffalo in heat.
I don’t have any real proof, but the buffalo may have left on its own accord.
She can be ruthless, even Mussolinian.
I think you’ve made up my mind to warn the scraggly bunch. God knows they have suffered enough both individually and collectively.
Perhaps Mandwa isn’t the best spot for rest and recreation. They need to ride on. Let’s hope my message reaches them in time.