Cricket lovers will be very pleased to know that an ace investigative team has been set up to get to the bottom of the Ian Bell run out incident, which occurred on the third day of the second Test match between India and England at Trent Bridge, Nottingham. The team consists of my four-year-old daughter Maya, and… er me. We have pioneered a new investigative

technique, never ever used before whilst, I read everything I can on the incident in all forms of media, Maya stares at me without blinking for hours at a time.
First, let me inform you, oh enlightened reader, (and this I say without ever having met you and may I add let’s keep it that way) of the sequence of events.
Ian Bell and Erin Morgan were at the crease at the time. Erin is pronounced like Ian, but spelt differently as a consequence of Morgan giving up on school at an early age. It is the last ball before the tea break, Morgan plays the ball to deep backward square leg (also known as over there for those who don’t follow cricket) and the two Ians start running. Praveen Kumar, the bowler with boundless courage (he twice met Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati at public functions and on both occasions remained upright), fielded the ball at the boundary edge. The batsmen, thinking the ball has crossed the rope, stop running, trot off towards the pavilion for tea. They do so arm in arm and whilst singing harmonies from the song Kung fu fighting, which ironically was written by an Indian settled in England.
Asad Rauf, the on-field umpire, is about to signal tea as he’s feeling very thirsty and more importantly as the tea is free and in any case he’s not big on tipping, when the Indian appeal for a run out, Asad tells them to forget about the appeal and offers to buy them tea and scones. The Indians are perplexed as none of them know what scones are. They instead redouble the appeal insisting Praveen fielded the ball and insist that his being from Uttar Pradesh shouldn’t be held against him. Rauf had no choice, as by how his slaked his thirst, and gives Bell out. Although as a humanitarian gesture he offers to buy Bell tea.
Now let’s get a brief background of the players involved.
Ian Bell was born in Warwickshire, England. He is a direct descendant of Alexander Graham Bell. His criminal record includes two tickets for illegal parking and one for honking in a silent zone.
Praveen Kumar was born outside Lucknow, and he says he’ll get back to us with the exact date. He comes from a family of wrestlers, although the men are in the transport business. His criminal records include beating up a medical professional after a bout of heavy drinking and on two occasions not returning his library card.
Asad Rauf was born in Pakistan but because of his love for Beethoven insisted on keeping a German surname. He loves umpiring for two reasons: (a) The pay is good and (b) It keeps him out of Pakistan. His only known weakness is he can’t say no to tea.
At the tea break, Ian Bell did what most grown men do when confronted with unjust adversity — he started to cry. Andrew Strauss, his captain and a very hard-nosed no nonsense clinical professional, joined him.
It was this scene that met Sachin Tendulkar when he entered the English dressing room. Sachin was carrying the unpaid per diem and conveyance money owed to the English cricketers from IPL-1 with him. However, upon seeing a roomful of English cricketers such as Kevin Pieterson crying a chord was plucked in Sachin’s heart. Pieterson has trouble showing emotion in any match that doesn’t involve South Africa for some inexplicable reason.
Sachin immediately rushed to the Indian dressing room and told the boys that they must recant. His exact words were “it’s worse than an Ekta Kapoor serial, crying everywhere”. This is why the Indians relented, forced by the melodramatic turn of events witnessed in the rival camp. Of course, when Sachin distributed the outstanding per diem to a couple of the English boys the rest started crying again upset at the large sums of money they were not going to make.
This concludes our investigation judging by Maya’s reaction (She’s staring at me with eyes wide open) our mission has been rather successful. Hopefully, a lesson has been learnt and that is obvious to all, if an Englishman and an Indian are having a disagreement, please don’t expect a Pakistani to resolve it.