So you’re planning to slump in front of your flat screen over the coming silly season of sport, give or take some friends, some beer and some high-fat, super-salty, zero nutrition snacks. Yes boys, I’m talking to you. Then you’re going to order in some really terrible take-away; a tongue-searing, lurid concoction of meat (if you swing that way), too many spices, too much oil and too much time left out to nicely incubate some bacteria. My question is; are you going to respect yourself the morning after?

Hmmm?
How’s this for a suggestion? A few super simple, kitchen-virgin-proof recipes with multiple associations. With a little shopping, minor prep, a little effort and a clean pair of hands you can feed yourself and a few of your buddies some pretty good food that is not only quite ‘manly’ sports food (‘aaarrrggghhh me hearties’ or whatever it is you say when you watch cricket) but will also make sure all the off-days you take from work during the next couple of weeks are really, actually to watch cricket, not cos you’ve upset your alimentary canal. So then… let the Games and the eating begin.

Tomato and Vodka Sauce
This sauce goes really well with the chicken bits. If you’ve got girls coming over, then some fresh, crisp crudités will really woo them (if they’re not going for the fried things). What’s great about this sauce is that you can toss cooked pasta into it later if anyone is hungry (remember to put pasta on the shopping list), so double the quantities when you make it.

Ingredients:

12 large ripe tomatoes
4 cloves garlic
3 tablespoons capers (you can use jalapenos if you want the sauce very spicy)
1 cup vodka
½ cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons olive oil
Fresh parsley (optional)
Salt to taste

Method:

Put the tomatoes into a big pan and cover them with boiling water. Let them stand for about 10 minutes. When you’re ready to roll, put a heavy bottomed saucepan on a low heat with the olive oil, crush the garlic and throw into the pan. Start peeling and de-seeding your tomatoes. Take each one, with a sharp knife and a firm but gentle hand, slice the top off. The entire skin should peel away quite easily. Now slice the ‘cheeks’ off the tomatoes, leaving the seed ‘core’. Discard the seeds (but if some get into the sauce, it’s not a big disaster) and throw the tomato flesh into the pan. Raise the heat of the pan. When the tomatoes begin to cook, throw in the capers. After about 5 - 10 minutes, add the vodka and stir around briskly. Lower the heat, add the cream, continue stirring. Add salt and taste. The sauce will slowly thicken. Turn off the heat, leave it to stand. Add the parsley if you’re going to, and puree before serving.

Chicken Bits
You’re going to love this one — all the ingredients go into the food processor. Blitz the mix, fry it and it’s ready. It’s better hot but tastes alright at room temperature too. If you keep the basic ingredient proportions the same, feel free to add different herbs, spicy bits, bacon — make it yours, it will work fine.

Ingredients:

1 onion
250 gm chicken mince
½ cup fresh parsley (or mint)
1 cup plain flour (maida)
½ cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp salt
2 green chillies or red paprika
2 cloves garlic

Method:

Roughly chop the onion. Put it in the food processor with the chicken mince, parsley and garlic. Process. Now add the flour, the milk, the egg, the salt and chillies. Blitz again till smooth. Heat a non-stick pan greased with olive oil. Put a test teaspoon of the mix out and fry it gently for 1 minute on one side, then flip and cook for 2 minutes, then flip back and cook for 2 minutes. You will get a cutlet sort of thing with a golden brown crust and a firm, green flecked inside. Cut it through — it should be cooked. Check for salt and seasoning and adjust. Now, using a tablespoon, put dollops of the mix and repeat the process, pressing down the mix when you flip it over so it flattens. Once cooked, remove from the heat and with a sharp knife, slice into 1 cm thickness and serve.

Black Olive Tapenade
This is another fun sauce/dip thing that can be used to brush on roast meats and veg, as a pasta sauce or as a dip. And it’s another of those ‘put it all in the blender, whirr and voila!’ sort of quickies that is a handy addition to your repertoire.

Ingredients:

2 cloves garlic
½ cup e.v. olive oil
1 cup black olives
½ cup chopped fresh parsley
Juice of ½ lemon
2 tablespoons almonds
Salt to taste

Method:

Use the spice grinder attachment on your food processor. Grind the almonds first, then add garlic and grind. Next throw in the parsley and the olive oil and grind till smooth. Add the olives, lemon juice, salt and process till smooth. Taste for salt. You’re ready to go.

Tartines
Lovely, easy, tiny, tasty bits and we’re not talking about the cheerleaders, no sirree. Tartines are nothing more spectacular than bits of toasted bread, topped lightly with fun stuff. They are the top and bottom of classic sandwiches like the Croque Monsieur but they’re most often used as open sandwiches. You can take the ends off the bread and toast them in the oven or on a pan, set the table with a selection of toppings and let your friends make their own sandwiches as they cheer their teams.

Ingredients:

Bread
Butter or olive oil

Method:

Take the ends off the bread. If you like, cut the bread into shapes (see, I told you you need a cookie cutter set). You can use a tea glass or small bowl. Brush the bread with olive oil or butter lightly and toast on a dry non-stick pan or under a hot grill till golden brown. We topped our tartines with cream cheese, ham and chives, roasted tomato and herb infused gouda and black olive tapenade and a basil leaf.